How close to death (August 2009)

How close to death

I am in my early 30s, perfect healthy with a loving caring husband and strong marriage. Yet twice in the last week, I had the feeling that life does not worth to live anymore.

Death does not have real meaning to me until 5 years ago that my dear grandfather who brought me up passed away. It took me sometime to accept it was real. I was in tears almost every night in the first couple of months and deeply in pain for the following 5 years until God healed me using the Father’s love.

Death knocked on me again. It is hard to believe that I do not have a regular job for so long and yet living a joyful life and still encouraging others. I know deeply that is impossible if I don’t have Jesus or He is not living and working today.

But death was so inviting, as often I don’t feel I can bear the pain, loneliness and uncertainty for the future anymore. The attractive way to stop all these is to accept death’s invitation. How close was I to death? Hours ago, my husband and I were going through the bible, trying to find a boy or girl’s name. Now, the cloud of death over ruled everything.

Death was so close. I can even smell it’s approaching. Its arm offers a seemingly quick and effective way to get away from current pain but leads to eternal death.

“1 Peter 4: 12Dear friend, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed. 19So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful creator and continues to do good.”

I always thought the suffering in text refers to people in the missions or die due to prosecutions, but surprisingly now it is also meaningful to me and applicable in my current situation.

“1 Peter 1: 6 …though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

How close am I to death. Less than a hair away.

But Jesus is living and so shall I. I thank God for giving me this unique experience and my faith was refined again by the deadly fire. “I have not seen him but I love him; and even though I do not see him now, I believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for I am receiving the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul.”(1 Peter 1:8)